


Losing Dreams

by YunoJuno



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Blood, Crying, Fights, Graphic Description, Hair Dyeing, I wish they'd just make up and kiss tbh, Lots of it, Love/Hate, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Serious Injuries, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmates, Tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-20
Updated: 2018-03-02
Packaged: 2019-03-21 20:50:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13749009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YunoJuno/pseuds/YunoJuno
Summary: In a world where your soulmate is decided by fate things sometimes go wrong. In Seidou Takizawa and Juuzou Suzuya's case it went very, very wrong.





	1. Unfortunate Circumstances

The keys on a lone keyboard clicked away, forming an even, mind numbingly boring rhythm in the halfway empty office. The sound was slowly driving Seidou insane, but he knew that he had to finish what he was working on before he could go home. Still, when there was nothing around to distract him his mind drifted off to entertain itself with something, anything other than the immediate task at hand.

As usual, his thoughts today revolved around the mark on his wrist. Pitch black, it formed a delicate handprint with fingers wrapping loosely around the area where his hand and arm met. One day the black would turn into a beautiful ocean of sparkling colours but that day was not today. Most of the time Seidou would let his sleeves completely cover the mark. It wasn’t like he was ashamed of it, but it was a little embarrassing being twenty and not having found your soulmate yet. Kind of like being in college but not having had your first kiss.

At least Akira hadn’t met her soulmate yet either. It was the first thing Seidou looked for when they met again after being dispatched in the same ward. Akira’s palm remained as dark as it had throughout their highschool years. Her mark was more visible than Seidou’s so he could easily sneak glances at it when they passed by each other at work.

It could’ve been worse for her, he supposed. At least Akira wasn’t one of the people with a mark on their face- the first time their soulmate touched them would either be to cup their chin or to punch them in the nose. It was a stupid though, Seidou knew, but he still hated the possibility of her finding a soulmate before him. Seeing her brightly coloured palm would be yet another way her superiority haunted him. Seidou would like to meet his soulmate soon, as soon as possible.

The thing with fate is that sometimes it gives you exactly what you want, in such a way that it makes you wish you never asked for it.

Juuzou Suzuya was nothing like what Seidou had imagined his soulmate to be. The only time they spent together was spent fighting. But if they were soulmates, Seidou thought, then they were such for a reason. Even if it meant admitting the life he always wished for would never quite come to be Seidou was willing to try.

So he started spending more time around Juuzou, participating in more get-togethers with colleagues outside of work. He tried to turn a blind eye to all of Juuzou’s odd and oftentimes rule-breaking habits. But his feelings never changed. The annoyance, the envy, the flat out rage that boiled up to the surface at every single instance.

Tightly clutching the vivid imprint on his skin as his sight blurred with tears he was forced to come to a realisation he never wanted to arrive at. Seidou Takizawa hated everything about his soulmate.


	2. Too Late

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Juuzou has an insightful conversation with Shinohara.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See I told you next chapter would be longer!

Juuzou’s eyes stared unblinking into his soulmate’s. As Takizawa’s brows scrunched and he narrowed his eyes further Juuzou’s own widened. Juuzou didn’t even flinch as Takizawa slammed his palm into the desk hard and got up to scramble away muttering that he had ‘work to do.’

He had done that a lot lately. Avoiding Juuzou that was. Previously Takizawa had been just as unpleasant towards him but at least he had been there. It shouldn’t bother Juuzou as much as it did.

Throwing a paper plane he had folded out of some important documents- Takizawa would’ve given him an earful about that for sure- Juuzou silently watched it make its way through the air and land quietly on the other side of the office. Juuzou had always found his older coworker annoying but at the same time there was something pulling him toward the other. Their lighthearted fighting was fun to him.

“I don’t understand it at all, what’s up with him suddenly…” Juuzou said sullenly to himself.

“Hm, who are you talking about Juuzou?”

“Wah! Shinohara-san, I didn’t see you,” Juuzou made and surprised noise and swiveled his chair around to face Shinohara. He grasped the seat of it with both his hands and kicked his feet a little, preparing to be there for a while. It usually took some time what he tried to sort his feelings out, but Shinohara was a good listener and he never berated Juuzou or looked at him with disgust, so Juuzou liked talking to him.

“Say, Shinohara-san, if two people who fight a lot stopped fighting, that’s a good thing right?”

“Usually it is. You don’t seem very happy about it though… Did something happen with Takizawa-kun?” Although Juuzou hadn’t mentioned anyone’s name it was obvious who he had been asking about.

“I don’t know,” Juuzou confessed “he used to always get upset at me but I noticed that he stopped screaming at me lately.” After a pause Juuzou added “and I keep thinking about it, but I shouldn’t want someone to scream at me. I don’t want to get screamed at.”

“To me it sounds like what you miss is spending time with him.” Shinohara suggested.

“Huh? Why would I wanna do that?” Juuzou leaned into the seat of his chair and spun it around. He continued spinning until he felt dizzy. It was a good way to take his mind off of complicated things like feelings. Working at the CCG was easy, if sometimes confusing with rules and regulations Juuzou couldn’t understand the point of. Ghouls were bad- that was the rules of this world- and so he did his job and killed them and left reports and the likes for Shinohara to take care of.

“You two are soulmates after all,” Shinohara wasn’t sure how to discuss the topic with Juuzou, since the younger’s perception of feelings wasn’t exactly conventional. Juuzou nodded along, poking the stitches on his palm, where the beautiful mark was located.

Could that be it? The thought was so unfamiliar that it hadn’t crossed his mind before. But It was true now that he considered Shinohara’s words, he did enjoy Takizawa’s company. The two of them didn’t spend time together alone, but when they were engaged in arguments and teasing Juuzou undoubtedly had Takizawa’s undivided attention. Juuzou stopped spinning and let his slippers slide down until the only thing preventing them from falling was the tips of his toes.

“Even if that’s true,” the slippers slid back onto his foot again “how do I do that?” It wasn’t like Juuzou had made any attempts at getting along with Takizawa before. After the first few failed half hearted pursuits of friendships at the academy Juuzou came to the conclusion that not trying at all was far easier and by now he was pretty sure it was too late.

Shinohara didn’t have a good answer to that either. But because he cared about Juuzou and by extension his relationships he did his best to give some kind of advice. ‘Try to be nicer and not provoke a fight’ was about as tangible of an idea as Shinohara could present to Juuzou. In the end, no matter what words of wisdom the older could provide it would be up to Juuzou and Takizawa whether their relationship could ever work out. They were after all soulmates.

That’s why five minutes later Juuzou was patiently waiting for the coffee machine to do it’s magic and fill a large cup of black coffee. Takizawa had been more tired than usual lately, complaining about ungodly amounts of work and Juuzou was sure he would appreciate some caffeine. It would serve well as the starting point of a good relationship between the two of them.

When the cup was filled to the brim Juuzou excitedly swiped it up into his hands, paying no mind to some of the hot liquid spilling over the edge. Takizawa was sitting at his desk just like Juuzou had expected, tapping away at his keyboard with intense concentration. His eyes were exhausted and glued to the screen. By the way he was chewing on his lip and almost leaning forward he was almost done with whatever important duty that had consumed so much of his time and energy. Perfect, Juuzou thought, then he had arrived at the ideal time to take a break and sit down for some coffee when Takizawa finished. Juuzou sped up, maneuvering quickly between chairs and desks.

“Takiza-- AH!” Perhaps too quickly. Not looking properly at his surrounding Juuzou bumped into the corner of a desk and fell forward. He let go of the cup and brought his hand up to his face to protect it from the harsh impact. What followed was a loud crash that resounded in every office nearby, alerting others of the accident.

Juuzou looked up from his position on the floor to gauge the damage. The first thing he saw was a cracked computer and a broken mug laying on its keyboard. Dark liquid flowed out from it, covering the whole desk and rendering virtually every document laying there absolutely unreadable. The second thing Juuzou saw was a red faced Takizawa Seidou glaring at him with a big coffee stain on his previously white shirt.

“It was-” Juuzou scrambled to explain himself, to apologize. Takizawa thought, was having none of it.

“Do you get a kick out of ruining everything for me?” He forced out between gritted teeth. Juuzou pushed himself up onto his knees and elbows. The dark coffee dripped down onto the floor and soaked through the knee’s of his pants.

“I swear I wasn’t trying to… ” Juuzou whispered, barely loud enough for Takizawa to hear.

“Really? Then what were you trying to do?! Because to me, it seems like all you ever do is ruin things!” Takizawa’s voice rose into a yell, furious. Juuzou’s eyes met his with more determination than he had seemed to possess just moments before.

“Because we’re soulmates, I was gonna bring--” Again, Juuzou didn’t get to finish his sentence before Takizawa exploded.

“When have you EVER cared about soulmates before!? Say something! When have you put even the slightest effort into making this… thing between us work? The answer is never!”

“I hate…” Takizawa’s voice became a lot softer and he paused to take a heavy breath “I hate everything about you.”

With those as his final words Takizawa turned around and stormed away hurriedly, pushing past the investigators that had gathered to watch their fight play out without consideration for who he shoved away from him in his haste to escape. Juuzou clambered up to his feet and tried to follow him, but slipped again on the wet floor and was left lying face down with an outstretched hand grasping at nothing but air.


	3. Wishing for Change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Juuzou and Seidou are left to deal with the aftermath of their fight on their own.

The cold surface of a mirror pressed against Juuzou’s hand, reflecting a tiny galaxy of deep blue and purples, neverending shooting stars contained in the palm of his hand. His other hand was fiddling with his shoulder length pure white hair. The mark served as an ever present reminder of his bond to his soulmate, now more so than ever before. Juuzou had enjoyed their playful fighting.

One time, when Amon had brought doughnuts into the office and shared them with everyone Juuzou even got a bite of Takizawa’s. Granted, it was a bite he had took when the other wasn’t looking and he had gotten an earful about it afterwards, but Juuzou was pretty sure that’s what you’d call an indirect kiss.

Another time, Juuzou had helped him find a file he lost and returned it to him. In the end Takizawa had accused him of being the one who lost the papers but by the way he flushed Juuzou had been able to tell that Takizawa knew exactly who’s fault it was. And he didn’t hesitate to tease Takizawa ruthlessly about it for the remainder of the day, wanting to see more of his blushing face.

And then there was the time when juuzou had actually offered to share his precious snacks with someone. Of course, he only did so because he knew Takizawa wouldn’t accept the proposition. But the way he had glanced over at Juuzou and his pile of sweets somewhat longingly throughout the whole meeting had been nice. Yes, Juuzou enjoyed their playful fights. It just so happened that he never thought that maybe, Takizawa didn’t consider them playful fighting at all.

I hate everything about you.

“Stupid…” Juuzou leaned forward, resting his forehead against the unfeeling glass. Something dripped down into the sink, tiny teardrops flowing softly and suddenly he was shaking, his arms barely able to support his weight. An itch crept up his body as his eyes traced the red stitches embedded in pale skin. Seconds ticked by unbearably slowly and the itching grew.

I hate everything about you. No. Shut up. StopstopstopgetoutofmYHEAD

Juuzou grasped at the stitches with shaking hands, pulling harshly and ignoring the sound of skin ripping appart. Ignoring the tiny streaks of blood that traveled down his face when he ripped them off too harshly. Ignoring the patches of reddened, throbbing flesh on his arms. Tearing, yanking, clawing at his body until every inch of visible skin was covered in scratch marks.

Only when he was finished Juuzou looked up at his reflection. There were tear streaks down his face and on the collar of his shirt the clear liquid intermingled with blood. It was too much and not enough at the same time.

I hate everything about you.

The cabinet was flung open hard enough to leave a dent in the wall. Frantically his hands raffled around, knocking over bottles and tubes in the process. When he finally found what he was looking for Juuzou pulled out a small box with the words ‘Hair dye’ emblazoned across its front in a far too cheerful font.

I hate everything about you.

Across Tokyo in an empty apartment Seidou Takizawa flung the door open and stormed inside. Not bothering to flick the lightswitch he stumbled into the kitchen to make himself some coffee. Not that he was particularly keen on calmly enjoying a cup in silence after the incident this afternoon but the pure exhaustion coursing through him demanded caffeine. Seidou didn’t make it to the counter, instead he collapsed in one of the chairs and let his head fall onto the table. He was just so goddamned tired.

Seidou sighed heavily when he looked down on his arm. Pushing up his sleeve to look at the mark resting there made him feel sick. His hand sneaked its way around his wrist to squeeze it listlessly. Soon the grip intensified until his nails dug into the skin hard enough to leave marks. Seidou’s eyes watered.

“I wish… I wish I didn’t have a soulmate,” Seidou whispered to the emptiness surrounding him.

Something glinted in the darkness, catching his attention. On the countertop laid an ugly plastic cutting board, and on top of it the thing that caught his attention in the first place. A sharp knife.

The world felt like it was underwater and standing up made Seidou dizzy but without thinking further he grabs the knife, tracing the cold metal with his index finger. Seidou’s vision blurred further but instead of panicking he feels serene. Calmly, this time “I wish I didn’t have a soulmate.”

The first cut was shallow. A thin, red line that reached across the vivid mark, a stark contrast to the universe in sapphire and lavender. From the wound red bubbled up, welling and rising like the tears in his eyes and bursting to flow out and cover up the tiny galaxy millimetre by millimetre. In that moment, through his pain and his tears, Seidou wished for his mark to disappear. To be cover up more and more and more until it was completely overtaken by crimson.

I wish I didn’t have a soulmate.

The knife was shaking as much as the hand holding it, sliding carelessly across his wrist. Going deeper and deeper with each cut.

I wish I didn’t have a soulmate.

Blood flowed freely down his arm, dying his clothes a deep red and coating the knife more and more. Destroying every semblance of a bond between Seidou and his soulmate more and more. The knife handle became slippery and with a loud clatter it fell to the floor, sliding out of Seidou’s reach.

Seidou’s arm was burning. He tried desperately to grab onto the counter but slipped in his own blood and fell to the floor, spasming and sobbing. The world flitted in and out of focus, blurred, tilted, spinning until Seidou felt nauseous.

The rest of his body was shivering violently, too hot and too cold and too dizzy and Seidou couldn’t breath and the blood continued to flow even as he pressed his hands to the open wounds as hard as he was physically capable of.

Tears rolled down his face quicker and quicker. He wanted to shout, to call out for help even though there was no one around to hear it but he couldn’t force words to form. All that rose from his throat were whimpers and hiccups.

This wasn’t what Seidou had wanted. He didn’t want to die. He didn’t want to die!


	4. Last Chances

They didn’t speak. Juuzou with his black hair and reddened, irritated skin and Takizawa who looked as if their argument yesterday had made him actually, physically ill.

They didn’t even look at each other. They didn’t have to, every tibid of information was perfectly relayed through the careful gossip never intended to reach their ears. But as gossip did, it went around.

It wasn’t until somewhere in the afternoon, early enough for the sun to still be up but late enough that the hours spent in the office had started to blur together that they came face-to-face with one another. It was in the middle of an otherwise empty hallway, set between a meeting room and an elevator.

Juuzou had ventured here for the vending machine that were placed in the middle of the hallway to get a decent soda but was surprised- pleasantly so? or was it unpleasant? his guts twisted around themselves- to find Takizawa already there. The brunette was pushing the buttons, having to re-push the first two before huffing and switching hands. When Takizawa turned around and saw Juuzou his arms fell to his sides and he stood completely still, a guilty look on his face. He opened his mouth before shutting it again, fiddling with clothes, tugging at his sleeves and shuffling awkwardly.

“Taki-” Juuzou took a step forward, causing Takizawa to take a step back in response. Awkwardly turning away he rushed down the hall. Juuzou walked up to the vending machine, reaching down to pick up the things that Takizawa left behind when he made his hasty escape. The plastic scraped along his damaged skin but Juuzou didn’t as much as wince. Though, he thought, he should probably at the very least make an effort to disinfect it. He couldn’t be bothered to yesterday.

With that in mind Juuzou headed towards where dr.Shiba’s office was located. At this time of the day the man should be out but Juuzou didn’t mind, he knew more about taking care of body stitching- the purely cosmetic kind at least. Juuzou was still carrying Takizawa’s stuff and had begun ripping it open carelessly, fully intent on stealing it since his coworker had left it behind but the sight that greeted him when he slammed the door open with a little too much force made him drop it all unceremoniously.

Inside the room stood Takizawa, sleeve pushed halfway up and in the process of clumsily wrapping a bandage around his lower arm. When he heard the loud bang of the door he flinched noticeably. Combine with trying to spin around to see who had caused the disturbance he tripped, flailed and crashed onto the floor in an awkward heap. Takizawa scrambled to get back up, tugging frantically at his shirt.

Ultimately, it was futile effort as Juuzou had had plenty of time to see the bloody display that were Takizawa’s wounds. Nowhere near healed, they consisted of angrily red marks mixed in with glimpses of still open lacerations, surrounded by uneven skin. Over it all a generous amount of blood was smeared. It was naught impossible to see the soulmate mark they both shared.

Finally Takizawa gave up and stared up at Juuzou wide eyed from his position on the floor. The other stared back in as much schock, tears forming in his eyes.

I am pathetic.

Juuzou didn’t think there was anything that could make him cry. He hadn’t done so in years. Yet this… stupid, stupid, annoying person made him feel things that he couldn’t handle. So for the second time in two days Juuzou broke down uncontrollably.

“I’m,” Juuzou tried to cover his face “sorry for being such a terrible soulmate. I’m sorry I’m sorryimsorry…“

Juuzou’s knees hit the floor with a hard thud as another set of sobs joined his own. Seidou was shaking violently. Curling in on himself and crying loudly. Neither had any idea who reached out first but soon they were in each other's arms with tears continuing to stream down their faces.

“It’s all so fucked up,” Seidou choked out, voice thick with emotion “it’s all so fucked up.”

When the tears had dried, leaving behind only exhaustion and a miserable lingering feeling Juuzou leaned tiredly against Seidou. The latter was propped up against the wall, threading his hands through Juuzou’s hair listlessly. With closed eyes Seidou sighed and mumbled

“Maybe it’s not your fault, or mine. Maybe there’s just a compromise we haven’t found yet. The kind of relationship we were meant to have but never figured out.”

“Mmh,” Juuzou nodded along, enjoying the way Seidou’s hands massaged his head “would you like to figure it out?”

Silence reigned in the tiny room for a long minute. The air grew heavier with each second that no sound escaped Seidou’s lips. Finally he swallowed dryly and opened his mouth. Closing it again to repeat the motion when he couldn’t form the correct word and had to try again.

“I’d like that.”

Of course neither of them knew that two years later two cold, dead eyes would stare blankly into a pair of deep red ones and their owners would smile at each other but not kindly only murderously and a black-clad figure would wipe blood splatter from his face and another one would pull out a shiny scythe and throughout it all two colourful marks would be burning as the world fell apart.

So for now Juuzou Suzuya and Seidou Takizawa were happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a kudos or comment to tell me what you think! It makes me super happy!
> 
> Also yes, I keep switching between using Seidou and Takizawa but I swear there is a pattern to it. Can you figure it out? (;


End file.
